Alaska Guides- The Things you need and the things you don’t for the 2013 Season

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THE MUST HAVES:

A very large caliber firearm.

The bigger the better.  A large firearm sends a message to clients that you are not to be messed with and not to be questioned.  Secures your authority over wildlife and guarantees you an enormous tip.

Ipad or Iphone.

Do not believe the hype.  Mobile service and WifFi is available in every nook and cranny of The Last Frontier.  Facebook, Twitter and Instagram are thriving and your clients will really appreciate you posting every fish they catch so their families know how much fun they are having.

Cat Food.

Do you think the pet trout in front of the Lodge wants to eat salmon entrails all summer.  This is  your chance to pull the cat out of the bag and make Walter jump on command.  Friskies is preferred.

Felt Soled Boots.

Invasive species, balarkey.  (When was the last time you found a pike hiding in your felt?)  That whole rule was fabricated by companies trying to squeeze an extra buck out of hard working Alaskan fisherman.  Everyone knows that cold kills everything, so don’t risk slipping and looking like a complete fool in front of your clients.

Autograph Book.

This could be your chance to meet somebody famous and have the proof!  The insider talk at AlaskaGuideList tells us it is going to be a huge season for big names; Manti Te’o, Lenny Dykstra, Tonya Harding, Lance Armstrong, Orenthal James Simpson, Tiger Woods, Pete Rose, Oscar Pistorius,  Tim Donaghy, Michael Vick and Justin Bieber to name a few.  Keep that pad & pen handy.

Frisbee.

Last year, 3 Guides from Alaska received medals at the World Frisbee Golf Open held annually in Ireland.  Since you will have a lot of time off throughout the season, bring a good competition quality frisbee to hone your skills.

Zip Lock Bags.

Inevitably you will have that client who cannot convince a mosquito to bite them on the arm let alone a fish to bite the end of their line.  Take it upon yourself to give them a trip of a lifetime.  Find the chef’s supply of raw shrimp and using your ziploc bag, procure that ‘secret pattern’ you spent all winter creating.

Pets.

Nothing cures being gone from home all summer than bringing your beloved animal friend(s).  The best guide I ever knew had a pet rabbit, it went everywhere with him.  Grazed on the bank while fishing a run, best damn friend he ever had.  I think that little rabbit had a lot to do with his success, plus it would take naps in his hat and every time it woke up, well, he pulled that fuzzy little guy out of the hat.

THINGS TO LEAVE AT HOME:

Your fishing license & guide license.

Seriously, do think the Alaska Wildlife Troopers care if you bothered to purchase a fishing license?  No, of course not.  Nobody in Alaska actually buys one and there has only been about 150 ‘guide’ licenses purchased since they started charging for them.  Save yourself the 5 minutes and forgo this needless piece of government drivel.

Personal Fishing Gear.

The last thing you want to do is bring your personal fishing gear to Alaska.  Least you forget, the Lodge owner is loaded and drops serious coin on all of the latest gear, so they will have everything you need.

Significant other.

Nothing spells romance like a summer in Alaska.  Most lodges are staffed with a plethora of young beauties from around the world and Wasilla.  So don’t be tied down, be free to the possibility of meeting the love of your life.

Casting Skills.

Don’t kid yourself, you are better off showing up with slingshot skills.

Good Luck this season and don’t forget the new regulations for the retention of King Salmon, the limit for Alaska residents has been increased to 15, so make sure you and your clients apply for residency before the season begins!

5 thoughts on “Alaska Guides- The Things you need and the things you don’t for the 2013 Season”

  1. This is BS and puts light on breaking laws and poor behavior. i am appalled that people would find this even remotely amusing. Felt is Banned, Chum Is for guides who cant do there job.

  2. Dorian- I unequivocally agree with you, completely 100%. I should have thought about what I wrote and the ramifications it would have by posting it at the beginning of April. I retract everything I said, except for the frisbee part.

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